gosh. when was the last time that I actually came back to this little space of mine to talk about ha ha, the almighty me! these days I haven't been feeling great. oh friendships oh, it breaks my heart and hurts my soul. I keep telling myself that people aren't obligated to reciprocate the way I treated them. but who knows it will hurt this much knowing despite putting effort into a friendship, it still didn't turn out like how I have expected it to be. 

truth to be told, I don't ever think that people cares about me. like the problems I have shared to them are so insignificant till the extend where they would just brush me off like whatever I have said don't matter. yes, I might have gotten used to this routine but those that aren't like this before are behaving like this now which yet again, allowed me to lose faith in humanity I have restored countless times. maybe, or yes, I don't belong anywhere. my existence may not even mean shit to anybody. and that I can be brush off by people so easily. ouch. hahaha. all in all, I guess I am not enough for the ones that I cared about. I disappoint people and so they disappoint me. 

for countless times I have felt the same shit and time after time I allow myself to feel like shit. why haven't I learn the lesson that I actually do not matter to anybody? I couldn't help it but to think of the worse all the time.

p/s: I pray that grandma is gon get better and better from now on. 

I FEEL SO UGLY EVERY DAY OH WAIT I AM

I can't express out in words how much I've hate myself.

Numb is the new deep

So many things have changed and all I can say is that, I am numbed to it. Friends come and go. True friends stay. As I got older in age, I found that having so many friends aren't as important as having only a small group of true friends. I am surrounded people that are not true. And it hurts me a lot to know that the friends I treasured the most, don't do the same. I am so tired of caring so much for the one I love. I had enough. Really. Life has been good. There is nothing much to complain about. Maybe because I have learnt to treasure the ones that really care and neutral towards those that don't. Less hatred, more love. Stay positive and things will turn out well eventually. 

My health is deteriorating each day, according to the doc. Been having hard time to sleep in every single day. Bad cough, difficulty in breathing and lost of appetite for 2 months. That is what you have to suffer when you have bronchitis. So right now, I am trying to get my diet back on track for I know, the more I reject food the weaker I am going to get. I can't afford to be weak as I need all my energy to study. 

Ah and my Mid Year results can just suck my butt. It suck. Subject teachers were all disappointed. All they can say to me was "What happened to you?" And my only reply was "I tried. So hard. I am sorry." Yes I am sorry. I have disappointed you guys and my parents. I (pinky) promise you all that I will do better for my Prelims. 

Lastly, my friend, I am so glad that you had changed for the better. So happy that God had change your life. I am so proud of  you. Hope you are doing more than just good now and, work hard for your O's, Wish you all the best! 

Two word to summarize my March - It suck.

"Just feeling really close to someone then having them just disappear. Like I mean nothing." It happened to me almost every single fucking time. Do I deserve to actually lose someone that actually meant a lot to me? What did I do? Fuck. But then again, I am better off dead or without the ones I love so fucking much isn't it? God is fair. Every time when I said "I don't care. I mean what I say." It kills me on the inside. Clearly, I'm living in self-denial. It has always been this way. My Life has turn out to be nothing good but something fucking terrible. And how do those that I've lost managed to do that? To manage to not to feel anything? I feel. I can fucking feel mind you. Maybe after all, I don't mean a single shit to anybody. My entire living Life is a fucking joke.

I'm better off dead. 

Been juggling and struggling with studies and myself ever since school started. Drained. I'm trying to stay positive almost all the time and every night, I failed. It felt like no one is ever there when I needed them desperately. And I've come to realize that in Life, it is okay to lose some friends. Life stops for nobody anyway. - is an important friend to me. A friend I never want to lose. But it doesn't matter to me anymore. Honest here. I'm doing fine without a friend like you, still. Burned!

I've got no idea how to express my emotions into words right now. It just gets worse every time I tried to explain. E, I've always thought that you are my best buddy; the one I can truly count on. You still are. But we have drifted apart. Honestly I miss those Sec 1 and 2 times with you. Time has changed. Whatever it is I no longer care. What is the point anyway?

Zoo Trip with Sarah, Khairul and Aaron on 27th December. A memorable one.

Happy New Year to all of you. Especially to my loved ones. I love every single one of you. I hope that they will be happy forever (there can be forever if we love each other right hehe) and good things will knock upon their door one by one. How I wish time will stop for awhile and allow me to recap those beautiful moments I've had with my friends in 2011. I'll do a quick bullet list summary on my 2011 journey and wishes for 2012.

• 2011 has been a quick and disastrous year for me.
• I found a guy I really like but he doesn't know. A secret shh.
• I've had a lot of wonderful and unforgettable moments with my lovely friends. 
• And lesser beautiful moment with my family. Somehow I felt that it's, incomplete.
• I hope that 2012 will be a fruitful and meaningful year and my poor right wrist to recover soon.

Lastly I hope that no one will ever throw me away. Please don't throw me away.

There I go again le sigh. "I feel sad a lot because I feel I always get shuffed around and forgtten by people I care so much about. I have felt scared and hurt. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep becasue I am so sad and lonely. I am scared of rejection. I always feel like if I was someone else people would like me better. It seems like my friends have it better then I do"

You know how it feels to get replaced all the time? I placed all my loved ones as my top priority but sometimes I feel that even if by placing them as my top priority, I'll still get replaced. It hurt so bad to get replaced. Like getting stung by a bee ouch. It's time to learn to stop loving people that much.

I've not been updating Hundredonestairs in the longest time because for the past month, I've been happy. Like I said before, "I won't be here unless I'm really upset" At first I was hoping that this happy feeling would be a long-lasting one but never thought that a sad day would arrive so soon. Earlier than I thought. Firstly, I got know to this guy that I never thought that I would fall for him. More of like though. Maybe during the period of exchanging text with each other, he got tired of waiting. People change and feelings fade. I got so upset when he stopped replying to my text message. I found myself checking my phone constantly. But it's okay anyway. I wish him happiness and hope in time to come, he would find the girl he loves. 

Secondly, my best buddies; E and I. They were there for me. They pulled me through my saddest time. Especially E. He never once gave up on me before. Never. Not even once. And I Love him a lot for he is the best. I remember there was a time when I was drowning in my own sorrows, he was the one that picked me up and told me that "Everything is gonna be okay" But now, we seldom talk. (most probably busy with his work) I read his tweets recently and from there, I knew that he is going through a tough time. But as a friend of his, I didn't have the courage to text him and ask how he is doing or call him to tell him that I will be there for him. And I don't know why. I feel that it is really hard to reach out to him. One of these days, I'm going to beep him and from there, we will catch up with each other's Life. 

As for I, he was the one that comfort me when I was sad, gave me the best advises and the only one, (other than E) to remind me to have my meals. And he is the only one I can tell my secrets to. I'm not shy around him. I'm more to being myself. I could tell him how terrible my day was even if it has already past midnight. He, is the only one that knows what I am going through, the one that understands me most and the one that is willing to listen to me all day long. 

It's just another day I feel like typing my thoughts down. Till then. X

 "I'd rather gamble, lose all and face Death rather than fucking rot here exhausted from this waste of breath."

I just wanna be happy. Fucking happy. Thank you for all of your good advices but it is my fight my own trouble I'm facing right now. I'm going fine alone. I just need some time alone and I need to go a little further from my friends this time round. Recently, honestly, I've not been that happy and I'm sad for no reason. No reason. I feel like shit and every breathe I take seems so hard and heavy. I just wanna disappear for a period of time. Let me be x.

I'm only back at this space whenever I'm feeling down. Real down. But this time round it's different. I felt happy. Really happy these few days. I've been hanging with the usual peeps at Scape more often now. Just hope that this happy feeling would last longer. I don't wanna be greedy. At least let me be happy till 2012 arrives pretty please. I just wanna mention that I've made a list of foodies I want to have it in my fridge.

TADA!!!



Strawberry Ice-cube

Cereals with strawberries and raisins

Strawberry milk

Strawberry low fat yoghurt

Strawberries that come in boxes

Strawberry Ice cream

Let me call it the strawberry season. xxx

This is how I feel every single day. 

I've had a bad habit. Over thinking. And it is what I'm best at. Call it my full-time job. Often I will look back at things and wonder why I did it and why, why was I like this in the past? I've always question myself every day and find myself in tears. It's already the past. It's already the past. The end for the past. I'm not a whole to start a new beginning yet. In time to come, I'll be a whole to start and forget the past, fully. X

"In My Life" - The Beatles 

I feel sad a lot because I feel I always get shuffed around and forgtten by people I care so much about. I have felt scared and hurt. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep becasue I am so sad and lonely. I am scared of rejection. I always feel like if I was someone else people would like me better. It seems like my friends have it better then I do

"Happiness is just how you feel when you don't feel miserable." - John Lennon

It is all clear now, the definition of Happiness. I need time. I need more than a week or even longer than that to figure everything out. All I need is time. Most importantly, the one I love; to be with me through it all X. 

Emotionless facial expression through out the whole day today. I guess I hide my feelings really well. I'm happy  ☺

I just need a space. I find here perfect so I'm back again.

All these while, I thought I'd be able to get better (personality), wiser and most importantly - skinnier and happier. Like I've said, I thought. I thought a thought that I thought it'd come true. Sometimes, I really don't get it why am I always behaving like this. It really get on my nerves. I need a time out and escape to a place where no one knows me. I know this sounds cliche but yeah, that what I've always wanted. Living as a being all these while, really made me realized how fragile everything could be. I'm tired living as a being. I wouldn't say that it bores me. It bring lots of different meaning to my Life instead. 

But being able to feel and see everything around me, really is a painful job. Out of all these 15 years of living as a human with blood flowing within me, really worn me out. I'm tired. No words can define the word tired. I had tried a thousand times to be happy for a little while. Tried and failed. Look how pathetic it turned out. I can never be happy. Maybe just for once. Once when I hanged out with my friends. This Life is hard for me to carry on. How many times I've let my tears hit the ground? How many times I've cried myself to sleep? How many times I've got to feel that I'm not good enough? Exactly how many times? Quit playing mind games with me God. 

I'm never that kind of girl that let my friends worry about me. I'm never that kind of girl that is so upset. Never till now. Have lots to say but I no longer know how to put them in words. I'm that stupid. Hopeless. Worthless. Useless. Insignificant. Just find any negative words and link it to me. You'll find that it's all linked. That's me.

All I need is a friend that'd be there 24/7. I do not need a friend that only says "I'll be here for you" Words without actions is nothing. Zero value. Zero memory.  

I need to find a place I am comfortable at and I won't feel that I am out of place. I need to find someone that I am comfortable with, without feeling awkward. I need a place that is safe and sound. No dramas. Someone like you.