HUNDREDONESTAIRS

2012-02-02T21:24:00.000+08:00

Been juggling and struggling with studies and myself ever since school started. Drained. I'm trying to stay positive almost all the time and every night, I failed. It felt like no one is ever there when I needed them desperately. And I've come to realize that in Life, it is okay to lose some friends. Life stops for nobody anyway. - is an important friend to me. A friend I never want to lose. But it doesn't matter to me anymore. Honest here. I'm doing fine without a friend like you, still. Burned!

2012-01-24T23:28:00.000+08:00

I've got no idea how to express my emotions into words right now. It just gets worse every time I tried to explain. E, I've always thought that you are my best buddy; the one I can truly count on. You still are. But we have drifted apart. Honestly I miss those Sec 1 and 2 times with you. Time has changed. Whatever it is I no longer care. What is the point anyway?

2012-01-03T22:21:00.001+08:00

I can't breathe.

2012-01-01T22:57:00.001+08:00

Zoo Trip with Sarah, Khairul and Aaron on 27th December. A memorable one.

Happy New Year to all of you. Especially to my loved ones. I love every single one of you. I hope that they will be happy forever (there can be forever if we love each other right hehe) and good things will knock upon their door one by one. How I wish time will stop for awhile and allow me to recap those beautiful moments I've had with my friends in 2011. I'll do a quick bullet list summary on my 2011 journey and wishes for 2012.

2011 has been a quick and disastrous year for me.
I found a guy I really like but he doesn't know. A secret shh.
I've had a lot of wonderful and unforgettable moments with my lovely friends.
And lesser beautiful moment with my family. Somehow I felt that it's, incomplete.
I hope that 2012 will be a fruitful and meaningful year and my poor right wrist to recover soon.

Lastly I hope that no one will ever throw me away. Please don't throw me away.

There I go again le sigh. "I feel sad a lot because I feel I always get shuffed around and forgtten by people I care so much about. I have felt scared and hurt. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep becasue I am so sad and lonely. I am scared of rejection. I always feel like if I was someone else people would like me better. It seems like my friends have it better then I do"

You know how it feels to get replaced all the time? I placed all my loved ones as my top priority but sometimes I feel that even if by placing them as my top priority, I'll still get replaced. It hurt so bad to get replaced. Like getting stung by a bee ouch. It's time to learn to stop loving people that much.

2011-12-05T22:22:00.001+08:00

I've not been updating Hundredonestairs in the longest time because for the past month, I've been happy. Like I said before, "I won't be here unless I'm really upset" At first I was hoping that this happy feeling would be a long-lasting one but never thought that a sad day would arrive so soon. Earlier than I thought. Firstly, I got know to this guy that I never thought that I would fall for him. More of like though. Maybe during the period of exchanging text with each other, he got tired of waiting. People change and feelings fade. I got so upset when he stopped replying to my text message. I found myself checking my phone constantly. But it's okay anyway. I wish him happiness and hope in time to come, he would find the girl he loves.

Secondly, my best buddies; E and I. They were there for me. They pulled me through my saddest time. Especially E. He never once gave up on me before. Never. Not even once. And I Love him a lot for he is the best. I remember there was a time when I was drowning in my own sorrows, he was the one that picked me up and told me that "Everything is gonna be okay" But now, we seldom talk. (most probably busy with his work) I read his tweets recently and from there, I knew that he is going through a tough time. But as a friend of his, I didn't have the courage to text him and ask how he is doing or call him to tell him that I will be there for him. And I don't know why. I feel that it is really hard to reach out to him. One of these days, I'm going to beep him and from there, we will catch up with each other's Life.

As for I, he was the one that comfort me when I was sad, gave me the best advises and the only one, (other than E) to remind me to have my meals. And he is the only one I can tell my secrets to. I'm not shy around him. I'm more to being myself. I could tell him how terrible my day was even if it has already past midnight. He, is the only one that knows what I am going through, the one that understands me most and the one that is willing to listen to me all day long.

It's just another day I feel like typing my thoughts down. Till then. X

2011-11-13T10:43:00.001+08:00

"I'd rather gamble, lose all and face Death rather than fucking rot here exhausted from this waste of breath."

I just wanna be happy. Fucking happy. Thank you for all of your good advices but it is my fight my own trouble I'm facing right now. I'm going fine alone. I just need some time alone and I need to go a little further from my friends this time round. Recently, honestly, I've not been that happy and I'm sad for no reason. No reason. I feel like shit and every breathe I take seems so hard and heavy. I just wanna disappear for a period of time. Let me be x.

2011-11-03T21:29:00.000+08:00

I'm only back at this space whenever I'm feeling down. Real down. But this time round it's different. I felt happy. Really happy these few days. I've been hanging with the usual peeps at Scape more often now. Just hope that this happy feeling would last longer. I don't wanna be greedy. At least let me be happy till 2012 arrives pretty please. I just wanna mention that I've made a list of foodies I want to have it in my fridge.

TADA!!!

Strawberry Ice-cube

Cereals with strawberries and raisins

Strawberry milk

Strawberry low fat yoghurt

Strawberries that come in boxes

Strawberry Ice cream

Let me call it the strawberry season. xxx

2011-10-16T16:52:00.000+08:00

This is how I feel every single day.

I've had a bad habit. Over thinking. And it is what I'm best at. Call it my full-time job. Often I will look back at things and wonder why I did it and why, why was I like this in the past? I've always question myself every day and find myself in tears. It's already the past. It's already the past. The end for the past. I'm not a whole to start a new beginning yet. In time to come, I'll be a whole to start and forget the past, fully. X

"In My Life" - The Beatles

2011-10-15T09:48:00.000+08:00

I feel sad a lot because I feel I always get shuffed around and forgtten by people I care so much about. I have felt scared and hurt. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep becasue I am so sad and lonely. I am scared of rejection. I always feel like if I was someone else people would like me better. It seems like my friends have it better then I do

2011-10-11T21:20:00.000+08:00

"Happiness is just how you feel when you don't feel miserable." - John Lennon

It is all clear now, the definition of Happiness. I need time. I need more than a week or even longer than that to figure everything out. All I need is time. Most importantly, the one I love; to be with me through it all X.

2011-10-08T23:52:00.000+08:00

Emotionless facial expression through out the whole day today. I guess I hide my feelings really well. I'm happy ☺

2011-10-08T00:55:00.000+08:00

I just need a space. I find here perfect so I'm back again.

All these while, I thought I'd be able to get better (personality), wiser and most importantly - skinnier and happier. Like I've said, I thought. I thought a thought that I thought it'd come true. Sometimes, I really don't get it why am I always behaving like this. It really get on my nerves. I need a time out and escape to a place where no one knows me. I know this sounds cliche but yeah, that what I've always wanted. Living as a being all these while, really made me realized how fragile everything could be. I'm tired living as a being. I wouldn't say that it bores me. It bring lots of different meaning to my Life instead.

But being able to feel and see everything around me, really is a painful job. Out of all these 15 years of living as a human with blood flowing within me, really worn me out. I'm tired. No words can define the word tired. I had tried a thousand times to be happy for a little while. Tried and failed. Look how pathetic it turned out. I can never be happy. Maybe just for once. Once when I hanged out with my friends. This Life is hard for me to carry on. How many times I've let my tears hit the ground? How many times I've cried myself to sleep? How many times I've got to feel that I'm not good enough? Exactly how many times? Quit playing mind games with me God.

I'm never that kind of girl that let my friends worry about me. I'm never that kind of girl that is so upset. Never till now. Have lots to say but I no longer know how to put them in words. I'm that stupid. Hopeless. Worthless. Useless. Insignificant. Just find any negative words and link it to me. You'll find that it's all linked. That's me.

All I need is a friend that'd be there 24/7. I do not need a friend that only says "I'll be here for you" Words without actions is nothing. Zero value. Zero memory.

2011-09-14T21:04:00.000+08:00

I need to find a place I am comfortable at and I won't feel that I am out of place. I need to find someone that I am comfortable with, without feeling awkward. I need a place that is safe and sound. No dramas. Someone like you.